


To Know, You Have To Try

by PilotFlux



Series: Iron Infinity [2]
Category: Avengers: Endgame - Fandom, Avengers: Infinity War - Fandom, Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Monologue, Tony Stark Detailing His Life's Journey, Tony Stark Pondering Things, it is okay to be afraid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:54:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23325055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PilotFlux/pseuds/PilotFlux
Summary: Everyone wants a happy ending. Sometimes, it doesn't work that way.//A monologue similar to the one Tony gave at the end of Endgame, but explicitly for Pepper. Based off my fic "The Stars Are Lonely." Probably won't make much sense without it.
Relationships: Pepper Potts/Tony Stark
Series: Iron Infinity [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1677427
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	To Know, You Have To Try

**Author's Note:**

> hi! so after spending literally a week writing a three chapter story, I wanted to do something shorter. this is the shorter something.

_I knew that, when I made my way back here, back home, I wouldn’t be making it back out alive._

Pepper sat, fingers steepled beneath her chin and tears streaming down her face, watching the shimmering ghost of her husband. It was two thirty-six A.M, a day after he died. The message was in his will- One of the things he’d wanted her to see. The only thing, actually.

The pale blue imitation of Tony scratched his goatee, leaning back in his chair. _I was trapped in a tin can for three months. I went insane, for most of it. The loss, the_ weight _of all of this, Pep, it destroyed me. I watched Peter die in my arms. And I couldn’t do anything._

 _Or, at least, that’s what I came to learn. Cuz way back, during Ultron, I saw all of this. Death and annihilation. I saw something so,_ so _much bigger than me. After New York, I thought there was nothing that would match that level of helplessness._

The ghost chuckled bitterly, shrugging melancholily. _I was wrong, obviously._

_I’ve always been a lonely person, Pepper. You know that. I spent the first eighteen years of my life in an alcohol-induced stupor, bumbling around and not knowing what to do, because I couldn’t handle the responsibility. I mean, Jesus, I was the son of Howard Stark- How does someone live up to that? To a purebred American hero?_

_I convinced myself that I couldn’t, really. So, when I turned twenty-one, and I took dual ownership with Stane, I did what he did. I built weapons, ones that would do what his couldn’t. I got people killed out of spite. It was pathetic. I don’t think I’ve ever stopped hating myself for it._

_You probably knew that already. I mean, Jesus, we worked together for more than a decade. You probably know more about me than I do._

Tony smiled softly, in the way he only did around her. _I’ve done a lot of things. Bad things, good things. The funny thing is, though, that I never knew_ why _I was doing it. I compensated for that lack of knowledge with women and drugs and drinking for… A long time. Then I got shrapnel in my chest, I met Yinsen, I built my first reactor. That changed things, for sure. Instead of social unacceptable vices, I got a tinge of altruism. The suits- Saved my life. In the metaphorical and literal sense. You did, too, but again, you probably already knew that._

_Post-Afghanistan, I stopped being angry at my dad. I mean, I still had that nugget of resentment seething away in my brain, but I didn’t do things to one-up him. I started doing things out of fear, then. The Mark One served a singular purpose: To keep my physical body intact. I built it to make sure I would leave that place alive. It was a walking tank._

_Then, because I didn’t want to face the things I’d experienced, I built the Mark Two. I guess I’ve got a knack for symbolic meaning, because looking back on it, the thing was mental armor. Busywork, to keep me away from everything going on in the world that I didn’t want to deal with. Everything going on with me._

_Then came Vanko. I was breaking apart for a while, at that point. The drinking had gotten much worse. On that track, things came back. The anger, for one thing. Obviously, I didn’t know the guys’ motivation at the time, but when I figured it out- God, I wanted to vomit. Probably because of the wine and champagne and beer, but still. It hit me hard._

_For the first time in my life, I wanted to run away. Go to some remote island and just let it all blow over. You, obviously, didn’t let me. So, I coped with more alcohol, and more drugs. More armor, outside of my body and in it. Because, god, Pep, I was_ afraid. _I went and thought I changed myself into this newer, better person, with morals and the will to do good. But I was back where I started: The product of my father, stuck in a never-ending loop of bitterness and spite. Killing Ivan didn’t help, because, in a way, I understood him. The guy had his future robbed from him, even if his dad_ was _a violent drunk and a communist spy. I always had prospects, monetarily, but my soul, or whatever makes up the feeling parts of your brain, was dead._

_That didn’t change. Not until New York, and the Avengers. I was still a selfish bastard, then- Nothing I did was for the people around me. It was always me, me, me. You might want to argue that I did plenty, for you and for the world, but I did it for myself. In some kind of an effort to prove myself wrong, that I was better than my father, and the sum of his mistakes._

_I don’t know what it took to spark it in me. Seeing the nuke, just hurtling toward the city,_ my _city, where millions of lives would be lost, it put things into perspective. Here I was, this guy with armor that could stop a tank shell, encased in wealth and opportunity, and I never even considered the little guy. I guess I thought, ‘_ what’s the point of altruism if everyone is dead?’ _, and kind of ran with it._

 _I like to think that my life was the best and worst its ever been after the wormhole. Because I finally_ had _something. I had a why for my projects, my work. It was for people._

 _I saw something so, so much bigger than me. I saw a sliver of something so vast and unconquerable that I knew there was no reasonable way to predict every threat. But I tried, God, I tried. Forty-two suits. I started from the ground up with every single one, from post-it notes stuck onto the wall. Tiny ‘_ what if? _’s and_ ‘what to do?’ _s, something to keep my brain occupied. When I wasn’t thinking about protecting you, or the world, it was about infinity. How lonely I really was, in the grand scheme of it all._

 _I felt like I had this purpose that only I could fulfill. I had all the chances, right? All the tools. It was my_ job _to do this. To live in my own fear, base my whole life on it. That was the only way every single person would be safe. That was how I’d make sure that infinity never narrowed to a puncturing point._

_I’m a futurist unable to live with the future. Because of that, I tried to reshape the present. Maybe I made Ultron because of that, or maybe it was because I was tired of being afraid. I didn’t know then, and I don’t now. But what Wanda showed me- It was everything I knew would happen. And I could stop it. I had to._

The ghost rocked unsteadily in the video, back and forth in the seat, as if staying still would mean being swallowed by the heavily battered pho-leather cushions. _Then there was Thanos. Thanos, and Titan, and ninety percent of everything I’d worked to protect, thrown out the window like it was a piece of scrap. That was annihilation. I had been seeing it for six years, and it came to pass. I was powerless._

_I never told you about Gladdus. He helped me fix the ship up. Good guy._

_He lost everything when the snap hit. The planet he lived on was wiped, all but him. Nothing he could do. I understood him quickly, of course, because he was lonely, too. Not just because he lost everything, but because he knew how merciless things are. He understands evolution, and why things need to die. He was just… More prepared for it. That made him stronger, in a lot of ways. But still completely and utterly alone._

_I’m not an optimist. Not really, anyway. I’m glass half empty, but always reaching for the tap. I knew the world would end, one way or another, and it was just a matter of time. It’s strange, really, because I know how meaningless it is. Thanos thought killing so many would mean a longer life for the universe. He wasn’t a scientist, or a rationalist, or even a maniac. He was just afraid, like all of us. Doesn’t mean what he did is... A proportionate reaction, but he was scared, nonetheless. Who wouldn’t be? Life is the only thing that gives the universe meaning. Gravity can stitch together stars and atoms can fuse all they want, but physics doesn’t feel._

_Some would argue that that is the point. It doesn’t matter if things aren’t around to see it, because it’ll do the same thing it always has, until the fundamental forces fizzle everything out. That’s just how it is._

He looked to something off screen, pondering. _Maybe they’re right, you know? Maybe we don’t matter._

There was a glint in his eyes. Like the reflection of a floodlight on polished silver. _Who the hell cares?_

_Pepper, when I snap my fingers, bring everything back, I know you’ll know why I did it. So just- Let the kid know, alright? Morgan, too, when she’s older._

Tony leant forward in the seat, reaching out a hand to shut off the recording. _I love you, Pep. Always have, always will. No matter where I am._


End file.
